The
police officers had all of the reports they needed to take. The ambulance that
was called to take Jesse to the hospital, begrudgingly, left the scene without
Jesse. Having spent much more time in the hospital after his accident than he’d
liked, Jesse convinced all involved that he didn’t need to go back.
“I’m
just not used to taking my pain meds,” he’d told the paramedics. “I’m sorry to
bother you when you could’ve been on a more important call…” Jesse hung his
head, staring at the crack in the sidewalk between his shoes. He wasn’t lying.
He was embarrassed that the police and an ambulance was called for something
that Jesse didn’t think was a big deal, when his best friend was missing.
Although, he was sure part of the reason for them showing up was because he’d
found a clue relating to Olivia’s abduction.
Jesse’s
mother decided to walk Mrs. Sandoval home. The woman was a mess, and rightfully
so. Mrs. Sandoval hadn’t stopped crying the entire time, except to answer
questions the police asked her, and when she’d found Jesse unconscious. Neither
of Jesse’s parents thought it would be a good thing for her to walk home alone.
And, as they were amazed Mr. Sandoval never came to the scene when he knew it
involved his missing daughter, Mrs. Sandoval had no one to walk her home. In
the meantime, Jesse and his dad decided to walk home together. Jesse’s dad felt
that it would give them some time to bond before they reached their house.
“So,
what made you start taking your meds, mijo?”
Jesse heard his father’s words but wasn’t sure how to answer them. “Are you
still in pain even when you’re not putting pressure on your injuries?”
“Not
normally.” Jesse said. “But my arm was killing me, last night, so…”
“You
finally gave in, huh?”
“Yeah…”
Looking
down at the cast on his left arm, Jesse thought about the real reason he took
his meds. Why he took more than what was prescribed for one dose. To be
entirely honest, Jesse was angry when he woke up. He hoped that he would just
fall asleep and never see another day. He was tired of dealing with the shadow
figures, the family drama, and worried he’d never see Olivia again. Jesse thought
of the suicide note he’d written before his accident. He remembered every word
because he wrote it as a poem and read it repeatedly until he felt better. Or
at least, until he decided suicide wasn’t the way to handle his problems:
I get
closer to the end every day. Having taken more pills than what was prescribed I
let the feeling of it wash over me like the ocean I'm too afraid to drown in.
This is where the contrary thoughts begin. I wonder if killing myself is the
right thing to do. And before I can convince myself it's not I feel it; the
drunkenness. Becoming dizzier I see the world through double vision. I see that
I was right to do this. I lie in bed praying God understands my decision and
hope He doesn't forsake me for it. I feel alone enough as it is. My hands shake,
and I see my past flash before my eyes; I didn't have much of a life. He undoes
his pants. My heartbeat quickens. He exposes himself to me. I feel sick. His
hands touch my body in places I was told never to touch myself. I realize
overdosing is not a good way to go, but it does the trick. It gets dark. It's
never been so dark before. Not outside of my heart, anyways. I hear my mom say,
"he's only four!" And I laugh to myself. Who acts like they care but
does nothing to help? On to the next vision. 10 years later, same old shit, and
I remember how done with life I was at that age. But I can't help but cry as he
says, "You belong to me", as a reminder that my life was never mine
to begin with. I try to imagine a happy place. The beach. The sand. I think
maybe if I try hard enough to drag myself to the ocean I can change my mind and
drown myself instead, but that's not water. It's regret, hate, and blood all
mixed together. Don't touch that! Just wait until the moon rises and brings the
tide with it. It will cover you in blood when it's good and ready. Now I wake
up. Once again, I was too chicken shit to take enough pills to do the job
right. I go about my day as if nothing happened and tell myself that what I saw
does not define me. Maybe if I say it enough I'll believe it. If I don't, it's
fine. I'll just go home. Get back into my black hole of a bed and take one more
pill than I did the night before.
But still, he was glad he was alive. If there
was anything he’d learned from the depression from which he suffered it was that
everyone had something their meant to do with their time on this planet. And
everyone had someone to live for: themselves.
“What do you say we go get your brother and
head out for some ice cream?” Jesse’s old man smiled down at him the way he did
when he tried to fix bad situations. Or, when the sun was shining in his eyes.
Jesse returned the smile. “Sure! I’d race you
to the house, but I’d need more meds for that.”
The two laughed, continuing to do so until they
reached their house which was not too far away.
“Ill be right back,” said Jesse’s father,
pointing to the stairs. “I’m gonna get your brother.”
“Okay, Jesse said as he sat down on the couch
in the living room. Walking out to where he’d found Olivia’s watch, and the
subsequent run into the woods after the shadow that hid behind the trees didn’t
take as much out of him as the walk back did. He sat there in the quiet,
catching his breath, looking around the room. Just as Jesse felt a sense of calm
he hadn’t felt…ever, he heard a panicked scream coming from upstairs; it was
his dad.
Jesse stood up, running over to the stairs.
But, he didn’t make it too far up. His father had rushed to the stairs and was
walking down the stairs himself, yelling and crying at the same time; something
Jesse had also never heard before. As the father got to the base of the stairs,
Jesse realized his dad was holding his hands out, palms upward, dripping blood
all the way down his forearms, with some smeared across the front of his grey
jacket.
“I-it’s Izzy! Oh, my God! My poor boy!”
