The Shadow Man (Part 12)

The police officers had all of the reports they needed to take. The ambulance that was called to take Jesse to the hospital, begrudgingly, left the scene without Jesse. Having spent much more time in the hospital after his accident than he’d liked, Jesse convinced all involved that he didn’t need to go back.

“I’m just not used to taking my pain meds,” he’d told the paramedics. “I’m sorry to bother you when you could’ve been on a more important call…” Jesse hung his head, staring at the crack in the sidewalk between his shoes. He wasn’t lying. He was embarrassed that the police and an ambulance was called for something that Jesse didn’t think was a big deal, when his best friend was missing. Although, he was sure part of the reason for them showing up was because he’d found a clue relating to Olivia’s abduction.

Jesse’s mother decided to walk Mrs. Sandoval home. The woman was a mess, and rightfully so. Mrs. Sandoval hadn’t stopped crying the entire time, except to answer questions the police asked her, and when she’d found Jesse unconscious. Neither of Jesse’s parents thought it would be a good thing for her to walk home alone. And, as they were amazed Mr. Sandoval never came to the scene when he knew it involved his missing daughter, Mrs. Sandoval had no one to walk her home. In the meantime, Jesse and his dad decided to walk home together. Jesse’s dad felt that it would give them some time to bond before they reached their house.

“So, what made you start taking your meds, mijo?” Jesse heard his father’s words but wasn’t sure how to answer them. “Are you still in pain even when you’re not putting pressure on your injuries?”

“Not normally.” Jesse said. “But my arm was killing me, last night, so…”

“You finally gave in, huh?”

“Yeah…”

Looking down at the cast on his left arm, Jesse thought about the real reason he took his meds. Why he took more than what was prescribed for one dose. To be entirely honest, Jesse was angry when he woke up. He hoped that he would just fall asleep and never see another day. He was tired of dealing with the shadow figures, the family drama, and worried he’d never see Olivia again. Jesse thought of the suicide note he’d written before his accident. He remembered every word because he wrote it as a poem and read it repeatedly until he felt better. Or at least, until he decided suicide wasn’t the way to handle his problems:

I get closer to the end every day. Having taken more pills than what was prescribed I let the feeling of it wash over me like the ocean I'm too afraid to drown in. This is where the contrary thoughts begin. I wonder if killing myself is the right thing to do. And before I can convince myself it's not I feel it; the drunkenness. Becoming dizzier I see the world through double vision. I see that I was right to do this. I lie in bed praying God understands my decision and hope He doesn't forsake me for it. I feel alone enough as it is. My hands shake, and I see my past flash before my eyes; I didn't have much of a life. He undoes his pants. My heartbeat quickens. He exposes himself to me. I feel sick. His hands touch my body in places I was told never to touch myself. I realize overdosing is not a good way to go, but it does the trick. It gets dark. It's never been so dark before. Not outside of my heart, anyways. I hear my mom say, "he's only four!" And I laugh to myself. Who acts like they care but does nothing to help? On to the next vision. 10 years later, same old shit, and I remember how done with life I was at that age. But I can't help but cry as he says, "You belong to me", as a reminder that my life was never mine to begin with. I try to imagine a happy place. The beach. The sand. I think maybe if I try hard enough to drag myself to the ocean I can change my mind and drown myself instead, but that's not water. It's regret, hate, and blood all mixed together. Don't touch that! Just wait until the moon rises and brings the tide with it. It will cover you in blood when it's good and ready. Now I wake up. Once again, I was too chicken shit to take enough pills to do the job right. I go about my day as if nothing happened and tell myself that what I saw does not define me. Maybe if I say it enough I'll believe it. If I don't, it's fine. I'll just go home. Get back into my black hole of a bed and take one more pill than I did the night before. 

But still, he was glad he was alive. If there was anything he’d learned from the depression from which he suffered it was that everyone had something their meant to do with their time on this planet. And everyone had someone to live for: themselves.

“What do you say we go get your brother and head out for some ice cream?” Jesse’s old man smiled down at him the way he did when he tried to fix bad situations. Or, when the sun was shining in his eyes.

Jesse returned the smile. “Sure! I’d race you to the house, but I’d need more meds for that.”

The two laughed, continuing to do so until they reached their house which was not too far away.

“Ill be right back,” said Jesse’s father, pointing to the stairs. “I’m gonna get your brother.”

“Okay, Jesse said as he sat down on the couch in the living room. Walking out to where he’d found Olivia’s watch, and the subsequent run into the woods after the shadow that hid behind the trees didn’t take as much out of him as the walk back did. He sat there in the quiet, catching his breath, looking around the room. Just as Jesse felt a sense of calm he hadn’t felt…ever, he heard a panicked scream coming from upstairs; it was his dad.

Jesse stood up, running over to the stairs. But, he didn’t make it too far up. His father had rushed to the stairs and was walking down the stairs himself, yelling and crying at the same time; something Jesse had also never heard before. As the father got to the base of the stairs, Jesse realized his dad was holding his hands out, palms upward, dripping blood all the way down his forearms, with some smeared across the front of his grey jacket.

“I-it’s Izzy! Oh, my God! My poor boy!”